Hope, Identity, Change, Failure, Success

Remember when you were a kid and you wanted to be a teacher or an astronaut or a ballet dancer or Batman or G.I. Joe... or... or... or... ?? Well, when I was 6, I wanted to be a breakdancer - but I couldn't do the "worm". So, I started watching video after video and studied Michael Jackson's choreography. Turns out, I could do the 'popping and locking' pretty well. Actually, I still can but when a nearly 40 year old white woman starts breaking into boogaloo, it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

As time went on, I realized in order to be a professional dancer you sort of needed years of training and by about 10 years old, I was already too old. So I changed my dream to being an artist. That was short lived. I like drawing but after 400 people telling me I was going to be a "starving artist" for the rest of my life and that "I still needed a trade", to fall back on. I assumed that they felt my art must suck and by "trade" they meant I had to become a plumber or a mechanic... so I changed my mind. 

I played bass all through High School then went on to doing music for a few years in college. This was my passion. I wanted to be a Rockstar. I loved playing, being around other musicians, attending concerts, learning about the history - this was truly my calling in life. I can't stress that enough. CALLING. LIFE. Unfortunately, I never finished my diploma because at that point, I was already very ill.

For the next decade, I spent most of my time just trying to keep myself alive and learning to control my illness. Later, as I got more stable, I went on to taking classes at college/university in almost every subject you can think of: History, Political Science, Anthropology, Creative Writing, English, Psychology, Philosophy, Sociology, Mental Health, Marketing, Communications, Computers, Business, Horticulture, Art, Social Work and I'm pretty sure I'm missing a few but that's okay... you get the point. I have a lot of interests. I also did a lot of volunteer work. I liked helping others and giving back to the community, but it was also to help me find my "niche" in life. 

Even after becoming a parent, while greatly rewarding and wonderful, I've felt like there's been something missing. Something that I'm "supposed" to be doing. A feeling that I "should" be somewhere else. I've been in this sort of odd limbo for nearly 20 years. I've barely picked up my guitar during that time. It's actually really painful for me to do so for many reasons. I haven't just lost my technique and focus, but I lost that "hope" I used to have. That "dream big" feeling when I started playing in my teens. When I dropped out of music school, it all fell apart. That was my first major failure. I was crushed, humiliated and angry with myself. It felt like I had lost my identity. I've been asking myself, "What do I do now?" This has been a very long conversation. When I started running, while I wasn't that great at it, it gave me some of that "hope" back. After every race, I looked back and saw how much (and how well), I trained from it and felt a sense of accomplishment. It gave me hope that I was learning, improving and becoming a healthier person in the process. I found my new "niche". I found a new identity. I was a runner.

While in the midst of my mental health recovery years, I worked as a Peer Support Worker. I worked with those who may have been new to their mental illness and needed companionship or support. I learned a lot during that time about what people need in order to lead a healthy, happy life. Aside from the essentials of food, clothing and a roof over their head, everyone needs support. They need a cheerleader in their corner. They needed that "hope".  It could be from a family member, a friend or a professional (counsellor, social worker, doctor, nurse, co-worker/boss...  the water cooler guy, a probation offer, etc). Basically, anyone who is willing to give you a hi-five, listen to you once in a while and support you along the way.

I know essentially, that I want to help people and prior to becoming pregnant with my little one, I started to work towards my journey as a personal trainer. I never got BCRPA'd Personal Trainer status certified but I went through and passed all the courses. I was still new to health and fitness then, and was also overweight, on medications for my illness and very tired all the time. The courses gave me that introduction on how the body worked and the science behind getting fit.

After learning more about the different certifications I could choose from, I decided that maybe I should go through the National Strength and Conditioning Association and do their exam, as they seemed to be the most widely recognized. I ordered the text and quickly became overwhelmed. I had no idea where to even start.

Eventually, I figured that maybe the CanFitPro course would be better because it's quicker and cheaper. I got the books, but instead of doing the personal trainer course, I went ahead and completed their NWS (Nutritional Wellness Specialist) class and certification. 

Then I figured "Hey, maybe I should do ACE's course" and ordered the whole kitten caboodle - every training texts/supply they had. It's been over half a year later and I still haven't thought about writing the exam.

The reason why I haven't officially completed any of the courses is because I've talked myself out of it. The career of a personal trainer can be challenging. It's mostly early mornings and late evening work. It's not stable. Lots of sales and marketing are involved. I would have to keep renewing my insurance and CEU's. ...and while all of this is true, I finally realized that none of those things are the reason why I keep putting it off. I'm actually just scared to death of screwing up, again. I don't want to fail at something that I'm really passionate about and love. Even if I manage to pass the exam, I don't want to study my ass off and then no one wants to train with me. That would suck and isn't an idea that I'd want to commit to. 

So what do I do? I run away and go apply to a program that I don't feel passionate about at all. 

Yes, you read that right. I applied to the Diploma in Accounting program. I applied to it because if I suck and fail - I probably wouldn't care too much. It wasn't something that I was overly excited about to begin with. This is a career that I do not want to do...

 Change is scary and failure is horrifying... but it's also inevitable. Without change and failure, there's no experience or learning. It's just a boring straight line... and I don't want to live a boring straight line and then waking up one day and thinking to myself, "Oh crap. What have I done? Oh. That's right - I've done nothing except walking this safe, boring straight line."

I'm looking at my future next steps - whatever that may be (aside from recovering from this dreadful back injury). I just know I have to take A step. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it gets me one step closer to my passion: helping others, bringing hope and being a healthy/active person in the process. ...and even if I fail at times, that's okay, too. :-)