Depression and Suicide

I grew up watching Mork & Mindy as a young child.  Popeye, Dead Poets Society, Awakenings, Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting and one of my absolute favourites, Patch Adams are all movies I've watched over and over again.

Robin Williams was a genius on stage - his comedy was impeccable. He even inspired me to try stand-up. I would go through one YouTube video after another watching every show of his I could find so I could learn how to be funny and make people laugh.

He has spent his whole life making others smile and feel good...

Over the past 24 hours, I've been seeing countless news feeds explode about his passing. This is to be expected as he had a long, amazing career and was loved and followed by so many. He was extremely talented. It's truly heart wrenching to consider how much pain he was in to feel that taking his life was his only option. As a result, I've seen hundreds open up about their own depression or a loved ones. It's wonderful to see the stigma of mental illness start to fade and how many people are beginning to understand it.

On the flipside, I'm disturbed to still see how frequent certain words popped up - such as "selfish" and "coward". This made me realize how many people still don't understand mental illness/depression. To have such a lack of empathy for another human being who had been suffering for so long is otherwise unimaginable.  To someone who doesn't know any better, I could understand how suicide may appear as an act of selfishness. It would seem that they took their life without any regard for those they left behind. Not to mention, the anguish and pain they have inflicted on their loved ones. It may look like they decided to be a coward instead of coping with their illness. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. In the mind of someone who is trying to deal with their depression, ideas become distorted over time and their reality begins to disintegrate.

I've been there. I've been suicidal. I tried to have some sort of foresight of what my loved ones were going to feel after I was gone. Honestly, I felt that they would be relieved I was at peace and everyone could finally move on without me bringing them more frustration, heartbreak and worry.

Putting into words and describing the incredible amount of hopelessness one has when facing the choice of suicide is impossible. For me, I was so exhausted from the days, weeks, months and eventually years of trying to get better. One day you wake up and the pain just covers you like the most brutally, crippling blanket. It feels like pure Hell to just take another breath. It becomes an all-consuming nightmare. As a result, I ended up trying to take my own life on more than one occasion.

The feeling of waking up and realizing I wasn't dead was horrifying, painful and extremely humiliating. I was hooked up to heart monitors and IV's because I had vomited so much. I was forced to drink charcoal to keep the crap load of drugs I took from entering my blood stream. I've practically fallen off the hospital cot from the shaking. I've had upwards of 20 stitches up my arms and wrists from cutting them. I've been committed to the psych ward for months.

I tried to commit suicide because the pain hurt so much that I felt living another day would not only be torture for myself but for my family to watch me endure. Deep down, I didn't want to die - I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted everything to stop hurting. I wanted the aliens to leave me alone. I wanted to go to sleep without feeling my soul was going to leave my body and be captured by Satan. I wanted a day without having to do 40 different ridiculous rituals. I wanted my hair to stop falling out from the medications along with 50 other side effects. I wanted to see a light at the end of that tunnel that everyone was telling me about. I waited. ...and waited. ...and waited. ...gradually, over time, with hard work, I came to see it.

While some days can still be challenging, I've at least broken out of the prison I was once in. I feel so much better and happier and I did it with a lot of professional help and family support. My recovery has been a very long road that extends over 20 years. Keep this in mind the next time someone confides in you that they are dealing with depression and you wished they'd just "snap out of it". Recovery doesn't happen overnight, but a suicide can. Depression is a very real, debilitating disease that takes lives. Suicide is not a cowardly action; it's when someone has succumbed to their illness due to wrong treatment and/or lack of support.

Sometimes, just having an open mind, lending an ear and being a good listener can go a long way, too.

I RAN TODAY!

Yes, it's true! I ran today - totally against Doctor and physiotherapist orders but I wanted to live life on the edge. ;-) Sure it was more of a slow jog ...and it was on a treadmill in an air conditioned gym, but HEY, I RAN. I'm so happy I could do backflips! ...Well, maybe not backflips... I could do an awkward fall to the side.

I set out to just walk... maybe about 15 minutes. (Since I had already done 45 minutes on the bike followed by an hour of weights). After 10 minutes, I was getting antsy. I turned the speed up along with my music and it became a truly joyous event. All started to feel right in the world.

Every 5 minutes I would say to myself, "Ok, maybe another 5 minutes".  45 minutes was my maximum. Then it was 44 minutes and Skrillex came on and no one turns Bangarang off mid-song! Then it was Lady Gaga... then some Maroon 5...

Then I ended up going for another 15 minutes!

One hour and 5 miles later... Woohoo!

I'm absolutely beside myself with glee! The runner's high has returned! 

....Ok, Ok, I'm not going to lie - I was in some pain, but I stretched the heck out of my back after. I also put on some Biofreeze and took a Robaxacet, and I'm feeling not too shabby, now. Whatever pain I was in as a result of today's run, was completely worth it! I'm so happy! Hopefully tomorrow I won't be paying for it and hopefully, I can go again very soon! :-) Yay!

Hope, Identity, Change, Failure, Success

Remember when you were a kid and you wanted to be a teacher or an astronaut or a ballet dancer or Batman or G.I. Joe... or... or... or... ?? Well, when I was 6, I wanted to be a breakdancer - but I couldn't do the "worm". So, I started watching video after video and studied Michael Jackson's choreography. Turns out, I could do the 'popping and locking' pretty well. Actually, I still can but when a nearly 40 year old white woman starts breaking into boogaloo, it makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

As time went on, I realized in order to be a professional dancer you sort of needed years of training and by about 10 years old, I was already too old. So I changed my dream to being an artist. That was short lived. I like drawing but after 400 people telling me I was going to be a "starving artist" for the rest of my life and that "I still needed a trade", to fall back on. I assumed that they felt my art must suck and by "trade" they meant I had to become a plumber or a mechanic... so I changed my mind. 

I played bass all through High School then went on to doing music for a few years in college. This was my passion. I wanted to be a Rockstar. I loved playing, being around other musicians, attending concerts, learning about the history - this was truly my calling in life. I can't stress that enough. CALLING. LIFE. Unfortunately, I never finished my diploma because at that point, I was already very ill.

For the next decade, I spent most of my time just trying to keep myself alive and learning to control my illness. Later, as I got more stable, I went on to taking classes at college/university in almost every subject you can think of: History, Political Science, Anthropology, Creative Writing, English, Psychology, Philosophy, Sociology, Mental Health, Marketing, Communications, Computers, Business, Horticulture, Art, Social Work and I'm pretty sure I'm missing a few but that's okay... you get the point. I have a lot of interests. I also did a lot of volunteer work. I liked helping others and giving back to the community, but it was also to help me find my "niche" in life. 

Even after becoming a parent, while greatly rewarding and wonderful, I've felt like there's been something missing. Something that I'm "supposed" to be doing. A feeling that I "should" be somewhere else. I've been in this sort of odd limbo for nearly 20 years. I've barely picked up my guitar during that time. It's actually really painful for me to do so for many reasons. I haven't just lost my technique and focus, but I lost that "hope" I used to have. That "dream big" feeling when I started playing in my teens. When I dropped out of music school, it all fell apart. That was my first major failure. I was crushed, humiliated and angry with myself. It felt like I had lost my identity. I've been asking myself, "What do I do now?" This has been a very long conversation. When I started running, while I wasn't that great at it, it gave me some of that "hope" back. After every race, I looked back and saw how much (and how well), I trained from it and felt a sense of accomplishment. It gave me hope that I was learning, improving and becoming a healthier person in the process. I found my new "niche". I found a new identity. I was a runner.

While in the midst of my mental health recovery years, I worked as a Peer Support Worker. I worked with those who may have been new to their mental illness and needed companionship or support. I learned a lot during that time about what people need in order to lead a healthy, happy life. Aside from the essentials of food, clothing and a roof over their head, everyone needs support. They need a cheerleader in their corner. They needed that "hope".  It could be from a family member, a friend or a professional (counsellor, social worker, doctor, nurse, co-worker/boss...  the water cooler guy, a probation offer, etc). Basically, anyone who is willing to give you a hi-five, listen to you once in a while and support you along the way.

I know essentially, that I want to help people and prior to becoming pregnant with my little one, I started to work towards my journey as a personal trainer. I never got BCRPA'd Personal Trainer status certified but I went through and passed all the courses. I was still new to health and fitness then, and was also overweight, on medications for my illness and very tired all the time. The courses gave me that introduction on how the body worked and the science behind getting fit.

After learning more about the different certifications I could choose from, I decided that maybe I should go through the National Strength and Conditioning Association and do their exam, as they seemed to be the most widely recognized. I ordered the text and quickly became overwhelmed. I had no idea where to even start.

Eventually, I figured that maybe the CanFitPro course would be better because it's quicker and cheaper. I got the books, but instead of doing the personal trainer course, I went ahead and completed their NWS (Nutritional Wellness Specialist) class and certification. 

Then I figured "Hey, maybe I should do ACE's course" and ordered the whole kitten caboodle - every training texts/supply they had. It's been over half a year later and I still haven't thought about writing the exam.

The reason why I haven't officially completed any of the courses is because I've talked myself out of it. The career of a personal trainer can be challenging. It's mostly early mornings and late evening work. It's not stable. Lots of sales and marketing are involved. I would have to keep renewing my insurance and CEU's. ...and while all of this is true, I finally realized that none of those things are the reason why I keep putting it off. I'm actually just scared to death of screwing up, again. I don't want to fail at something that I'm really passionate about and love. Even if I manage to pass the exam, I don't want to study my ass off and then no one wants to train with me. That would suck and isn't an idea that I'd want to commit to. 

So what do I do? I run away and go apply to a program that I don't feel passionate about at all. 

Yes, you read that right. I applied to the Diploma in Accounting program. I applied to it because if I suck and fail - I probably wouldn't care too much. It wasn't something that I was overly excited about to begin with. This is a career that I do not want to do...

 Change is scary and failure is horrifying... but it's also inevitable. Without change and failure, there's no experience or learning. It's just a boring straight line... and I don't want to live a boring straight line and then waking up one day and thinking to myself, "Oh crap. What have I done? Oh. That's right - I've done nothing except walking this safe, boring straight line."

I'm looking at my future next steps - whatever that may be (aside from recovering from this dreadful back injury). I just know I have to take A step. It doesn't matter what it is as long as it gets me one step closer to my passion: helping others, bringing hope and being a healthy/active person in the process. ...and even if I fail at times, that's okay, too. :-)

2 Months!

It's been about 2 months since I've been off of running. TWO MONTHS?! I'm getting antsy. So how have I been getting my cardio in? The most boring piece of machinery ever known to man (at least to me, anyway): the stationary bike. I spend about an hour on it and then I do weights. Again, I have to be careful not to have anything weight-bearing on my lower back. Swimming is another thing I've been doing a lot of this summer. This is not the norm for me as I swim like a brick and I'm not usually someone that hangs out at the pool. Last year I think I swam twice. This year has to be 2 dozen times, at least. It's really relaxing, though (especially the hot tub and the loungers. *wink*)

#loungerpoolselfie

Today I tried a yoga class. I hate yoga. In fact, I am very passionate about hating yoga. I've done some hot yoga (bikram) classes that I don't mind too much. I mean, I like it a bit more than cleaning the cat box. I'd probably like it a lot more if it wasn't 7000 degrees, but I hate every other kind. I have no patience. 

When I did this particular (Hatha) class, I wanted to burst into tears. I felt like this big awkward moose that couldn't do half the poses. I kept staring at the clock wishing that time would speed up and I could get the funk out of there. Apparently, yoga works for back pain, though. So I'm going to force myself to go back. I've tried almost everything and I'm running out of options. I'm (sort of) willing to look like a total dumbass in order to fix my back problem and get running again. 

So far, I've had 4 sessions of physio. She's gone on to using the laser on my spine. It's completely painless and I get to wear these super cool (sarcasm) glasses. I have no idea if it's working or not, yet.

She also tried to put me in this traction machine. As she was strapping me up, I was like, "What the fudge is this machine?" It was supposed to relieve pressure in my spine. 

She had me lay on my back and she put these wide blue belts across my waist. She placed a stool on the bed where my legs hung over. It was weird and awkward... even for me. Then she pulled out the bungee cord "thingy" (I hear that's the technical name for it) in the middle of the machine and tied it to the belt. Slowly the bungee cord would pull and I felt my back being pulled apart. It wasn't painful. It just felt super strange. The physiotherapist placed this red button thing in my hand and told me to press it if I got any pain and then she left the room.

As the cord pulled, my anxiety went up. ...and up. ...and up. Until I couldn't take it anymore. I hit the red button. The thing started beeping uncontrollably. The physiotherapist came back in the room and went immediately to the machine. She then looked at me and said, "What happened?!"  ...."I pressed the button." I replied sheepishly. I felt like a wimp and was embarrassed. I was also very uncomfortable and there's been far too many times in the past where I didn't follow my instincts and then suffered for it later.  ...However, I also know that playing it safe doesn't usually get me anywhere. I realize my fear was a little ridiculous so I may try again in a future session. Read: I went home and went onto the Internet and researched everything I could about this machine and found out it's pretty harmless and the odds of getting hurt is basically nil.

I'm doing epsom salt baths. I'm also taking glucosamine and omega 3 fish oils. I've been applying menthol analgesic gel, daily. I've been getting the physiotherapist to tape my back after every session. I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing. (I have, however, laid off on the pain killers.) I just want to run again - pain free! My next step will most likely be needing an MRI but unfortunately, I will be sitting on a year long wait-list.

I've decided to take a week off of physio and work on all the exercises she gave me and continue with the yoga classes. As I mentioned in the previous post, I was going to list some exercises that the physiotherapist recommended to me. Here are a few:

Exercise Ball Wall Squat

Pelvic Tilt (Lying down)

Cat Stretch

Kneeling Alternate Leg/Arm Reach

Hamstring Stretch

Knee to Chin Stretch

Medicine Ball Squat (I use 8 pounds)

Whine Wine Whine

Whine. Whine. Whine. Wine. Wine. Give me wine... ;-)

I've been doing a lot of whining, lately. I now have a new-found respect for those who live with chronic pain. It's brutal. I started going to a physio therapist twice a week and she is very nice. I'm not sure yet how well the sessions are working. The first time I arrived, she wanted to learn more about the pain I was having and then went to work on my back. She started off with the ultrasound machine. It was painless. She basically massaged a thick pen-like object into my lower back area for about 5 minutes. 

Then she hooked up the tens machine to my back and applied a heat therapy blanket over it for about 20 minutes. It was relaxing, but I didn't had much pain relief from it. When she returned, she did a bit of manual manipulation and massage to my lower back and showed me a few exercises at home that I can do to help stretch it out and strengthen my core. Once she adds a few more exercises, I will put them together in a future post for any of you that have lower back pain (from muscle strain).

It has also been 6 months since my last ultrasound for my dermoid/teratoma in my ovary. I also decided to opt against having surgery which may or may not be backfiring on me at the moment. For all I know, this weird thing could be contributing to my lower back pain. When I talked to the technician, it seemed like she was encouraging me to get it out. She was explaining that the surgery/incision was minimal, how dermoids could possibly "go bad" (turn cancerous) and while they usually don't cause major issues, they can become a nuisance later down the road. Especially if it continues to grow. Thankfully, it looks like mine has stayed the same. However, the technician made a mention that she could see a few "hot spots" on the ultrasound which in turn can mean the mass contains hair. I know I joked around about this thing needing a haircut or a dentist (as it can grow teeth, too, etc) in past posts but Oh My God, that was the nastiest thing she could have said to me. I couldn't get out of there fast enough to make an appointment with my gynecologist (which is a month away) to get this thing out!

Awe. It has my eyes.

The one in the middle looks like it's smiling at me. 

In a way, I feel a bit relieved to finally go through with the decision of getting it out. I just hate surgery - especially the anesthetic part. All I do is puke after. Knowing my luck, I'll be getting my surgery date a week before Christmas. Oh well - it will prevent me from pigging out on butter tarts and turkey.

Funk Diets

Since I can't run without nearly throwing up from back pain, I decided to take a closer look at my diet. No, I'm not going on diet. Fuck diets. Diets are evil. I just want to eat a little more healthier. You know, eat less junk, eat more green. So I revisited what worked for me in the past. I used an online program before called Sparkpeople but I didn't want to be stuck entering everything I eat into a computer. I tend to lose interest within a month and then forget about it. I ended up downloading their App (for iPhone), instead. I gotta say - it's a fantastic little program. Very easy to use and completely free. (I like free). It doesn't just add up calories but also shows the 3 major macronutrients: carbs, fats and protein. I love the barcode scanner! That is extremely handy in entering foods.

They seemed to have overhauled the platform (on the computer) since I've used it last. Seems easier to use (with a slight learning curve). It has a massive database of every food you could think of. If it's not in there, just add it yourself!

There's many different features such as entering your exercise and getting daily/weekly graphs of your nutrition (if you're a graphs type of person.) There are also loads of articles and recipes along with forums and goal setting boards you can make. It's a terrific (and did I mention FREE? Free is good.) resource if you're looking into wanting to eating healthier and/or losing weight.

I decided to do a little experiment and kept my carbs lower than what they said was appropriate for weight loss. Had them hovering around 70-90 grams (instead of 135-152). Anyway, I lost 10 pounds in under 2 weeks. Oops. I was also dizzy as hell and extremely tired. So I decided to follow their recommended carb count. I gained back 3 pounds but I feel a heck of a lot better. I'm not "obese" or even considered "overweight" by BMI standards, so losing that kind of weight so quickly isn't exactly ideal. 

It's interesting how my body reacted to a lower carbohydrate count, though. Sure, I lost weight fast but I also felt like I was going to pass out every time I stood up. I don't know how people do Atkins or the  Bernstein diets for long periods of time (and are still able to exercise). Just goes to show, everyone loses weight differently - just have to find what works for you! If you want to lose fat and gain muscle, it's imperative to choose wisely what you put in your mouth. You can exercise all you want but don't expect to be truly "healthy" by doing crunches and the treadmill, alone. (I speak from experience. Ugh.)

BackCracker MD

So as I've mentioned in my previous posts, I've got back pain. Not really a unique issue. It's probably one of the most common ailments in our population - and it completely sucks! I decided to go to a chiropractor for it. I've always been a little skeptical of their practice - not sure why, but now I do. Below is an account of my first and VERY LAST time I go to Backcracker MD.

I walked into the chiropractor's empty office, checked in and patiently sat down and waited to be called in. The receptionist had me fill out a little questionnaire about what problems I've been having. She then brought me into another little room. The doctor came into the room, asked me some questions then checked my posture. He then had me lay down on my front and felt around on my back to see where I was 'tight'. "Thats where your headaches are coming from," he said while touching an area on the back of my neck. At that point, I started to regret ticking off "headaches" on the questionnaire. Personally, I think my headaches are just the result of a very inquisitive, loud child. I didn't want him focusing on that. I just wanted my back fixed. He also pointed out the two spots in my back where I was having the pain. "Yup, thse are the spots." He then ushered me into another room where I posed to have x-rays done. I did get x-rays the week before that my family doctor sent me in for and I didn't get a call back so I know "bone-wise" my back was okay. The chiropractor looked at my x-ray and didn't tell me anything - except for the fact my spine was a little curved. He then tried to book me in for some workshop the next day and that's when he would go over my results. I'm thinking, "Well, it can't be anything serious then if he's not going to tell me them now." As I kept mentioning that I was in so much pain, he said he would give me an adjustment right away. I was thinking, "Yay - hooray! I can get some relief!" On the same hand, I had no idea what to expect.

I layed on the table in odd positions while he jumped on my back twice and lastly on my neck. Loud, long cracking sounds came out of my body. I left being in a bit of shock but still appreciative. It wasn't until about 20 minutes later I started to not feel too good. I was very, very sore. I spent the next 3 hours laying on the couch. The next morning, it felt like I was in a car crash and my neck had whiplash. I went to make an appointment with my family doctor but he wasn't in so I saw his replacement. He was very nice and also went over my x-ray results that I had last week. There wasn't anything that showed up that can explain why I'm having so much pain:

I do have pain directly over my L1 (where there is "wedging") but I've had pain there for over 5 years. As for the rest of it, it just basically says I have a slight curvature of the spine, a bit of "sway back" and a couple of bone spurs. Nothing that truly explains why I'm essentially in chronic pain. The doctor explained that the muscles are tightening over the course of the day which explains that I''m in agony by the evening. 

He recommended me seeing a chiropractor. I said, "Actually, that's why I decided to come see you. The chiropractor made me worse." He then said, if I didn't get immediate relief, then it's probably not going to work for me and that's when he recommended physiotherapy. He also said that I should continue taking a Aleve twice a day (morning/night) and Robaxacet (with acetaminophen not ibuprofen). Both pain killers have helped minimally but it takes the "edge" off. I'm not interested in taking pain killers forever, though. I'm not even 40 - God help me (and my liver) 20 years from now. He also recommended low impact sports and core strengthening - which was to be expected and I was already working on, anyway. Things like swimming, light weight training, stationary bike, stretching, etc. He then told me to come back in 3 weeks if the pain hasn't subsided. 

I've booked a physio appointment for next week, hopefully, it will be better than the chiro. I'm getting more and more frustrated by the day, so here's hoping that something works soon! In the meantime, I'll just be thankful that the weather has been amazing and enjoy my time in the pool (and on the deck loungers)!

Backed Out

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had signed up for the Seek the Peak race which happened this morning! To recap, the Seek the Peak is a 16km, 4100 ft elevation run that goes from Ambleside Beach to the Peak of Vancouver (top of Grouse Mountain).  This would have been my first year running it!  Friday I was super pysched to head down to Grouse Mountain and pick up my race package including a shirt I purchased.

Love the pink and I really liked my race number. Too bad I didn't get to wear it... 

Lately, I've been having mild lower back discomfort while running, but I just assumed it was related to my ovary thing so I just ignored it. Anyway, Friday night, I was going for a quick walk and all of a sudden I felt something literally slide and "crunch" along the bottom of my spine. Then my leg went weak and collapsed beneath me. The pain that followed was inexplicable. I headed home (barely, ugh. That's a story in itself) and took some Advil, layed down and didn't move for a while. When I finally dragged myself to bed, I couldn't sleep. It was horrendous. Finally, when I did get a few hours of shut eye, I woke up and the pain seemed to have subsided. Unfortunately, later that afternoon it came on full-oh-my-God-is-this-what-Hell-feels-like pain. Sadly, I was still considering doing the race if I felt better in the morning. My boyfriend went on to ask me if I was on crack. I suppose that moment of insanity crept back up on me. So needless to say, I didn't get to do the race. *sniff* *sniff*

On a positive note, my boyfriend saw what I've been enduring for the last few days and surprised me with a spa gift card for a massage. 

Ooo La La!

Nice to get presents on Father's Day. ;-) lol

The funny thing is when I got up this morning, the cat, I guess, didn't like the idea of me doing the race, either...

I walked in on her violently attacking something...

Was it a bird...

Was it a plane...

Nope. It was my race bib.... Thanks, cat. 

Today I spent most of the day lying flat on my back. As I sit here writing this post, I'm propped up with 34573453894 pillows behind me. Earlier, I attempted a swim in the pool. Even with something so low impact I had to keep resting after just a few lengths. My girl would ask me every few minutes, "Mom are you ok? Do you need me to carry you? I can in here, y'know." lol.

...and yes, I'm purposely lifting one eyebrow much higher than the other. ;-)

In reality, I think I ended up swimming for 5 minutes, sitting in the hot tub for 10 (x3). lol. Regardless, it did help a little. So I'm going to have to take a little break from running for a bit until my back heals. If not, then off to physio I go. In the meantime, this will give me an opportunity to explore some lesser impact sports. I believe I may see yoga in my near future. Have a mentioned how much I hate yoga? I'm about as flexible as a crowbar. lol. 

Thanks for reading and Happy Father's Day to all the great Dad's out there!

                                                ....keep on shufflin'. 

Passion, Purpose ...with Crazy on the Side

Apparently, I'm so hysterically happy that I don't need surgery (yet), that I had a temporary lapse in judgement. You see, as I mentioned in my last post, I had an appointment with the gynecologist. This weird "thing" (called a dermoid/teratoma) has taken up residency in my ovary. This bizarre freak of science can contain teeth, hair and sweat glands and may or may not need to see a dentist for it's annual tooth cleaning and a visit to the salon (I'm kidding - so gross. lol) While the thought of it sitting there totally weirds me out, the idea of having another surgery makes me even more uncomfortable. So after I was questioned by the resident doctor, she left to consult with the specialist. Then, I sat for like 15 minutes in the room staring at this: 

...and all was going through my mind was, "I had to run from the skytrain to make my appointment in time and it's really friggin hot out today."... 

Anyway...

The doctor came in and asked me a few more questions and I ended up just blurting out, "Do I really have to have surgery? Is it necessary?" No, it's not - yet. She then asked for me to hop up on the table for a pelvic exam. Again, I said, "Is that necessary?" She said, "Uhh. I guess not." 

Hooray.

The sucky thing is that this toothy hairy beast will probably have to come out eventually. Which, in turn, will keep me from doing anything physically active for at least a month. A MONTH. Ughh. At the moment, it causes me minimal discomfort (at rest). Running the long distances is where it starts to hurt. It also presses against the bladder - but some days are worse than others. So, I just time my bathroom breaks accordingly. Normally, I would say, "Let's get rid of this thing." However, there is over a 10% recurrence rate... and knowing my luck... it's going to come back  ...with a teeny, tiny torch and pitchfork. So, for now, it's going to be monitored with regular ultrasounds. The chance it contains cancer cells is like one tenth of 1%. If it doesn't get any bigger and doesn't cause any more issues, then I'm just going to leave it in there. Maybe it will have a party and invite me. We can drink margaritas on the veranda and talk about the neighbours...

Anyway, it's not like I'm trying to train/qualify for Boston or win any races. I'm just trying to keep sane and being active has LOTS to do with that.

I've started getting back into my normal running routine, again. It's weird not to be training for anything, though. I felt no "push" to get out there. So I decided to do what any normal person would do and go sign up for a race that has a 4100ft climb and a distance of 16km's ...in like, 10 days. Sorry - did I say normal? I mean completely insane. Who does that?! Oh wait... that would be me...

Here enters "total lapse in judgement".

That's right boys and girls, I've signed up for Seek the Peak on the 15th! Of THIS month! I have no idea how I'm going to finish this thing but hey - life is all about getting out of your comfort zone and doing sh*t you normally wouldn't do... right? RIGHT?!

I've been actually thinking a lot about my "comfort zone", lately and how much I tend to get stuck in it. Even down to my regular running routes. I've been running the same ones for years - maybe it's time to find another one. ...or at least add to the one I already do. (Granted, the one I already have is pretty nice.)

Comfort zones are a tricky thing. It's nice to have a routine. To know exactly what you're doing each day. To not have that stress of added change. On the other hand... there's no real passion, either. For me, living a life without passion is also like living a life without purpose... and "magic". Dull. Dull. Yawn. Dull. 

So I'll be focusing on getting out of my comfort zone a little more, living life more "passionately" and doing hill repeats until the cows come home... mooooo... (or is that booooo!? lol.)

Thanks for reading!

                                                   ........and keep on shufflin'!

First Race of 2014

It's been over a year since my last blog! I haven't quit running or anything. Apparently, it's just taken me this long to figure out what I was going to write next. Yes, that's some pretty crazy writer's block but hopefully, it doesn't happen again. ;-)

I've ran a number of races since, including the Inaugural Eastside 10k on my birthday (which was cool)! I also did the Whistler 50 (miler) last October and beat my 2011 time by over 20 minutes. I even made a 21.1K PR with the Vancouver Historic Half last November (which is still at turtle power speed of 2 hours). So, while I'm still slow - I am improving! Hooray! Break out the balloons and champagne!

This year got off to an incredibly slow start, though. I only just did my first race of 2014 this past weekend: the Run for Water Marathon (my 5th full marathon). Originally, I was hoping to do the Ultra. However, a number of things were going against me in my training. In February, I had a large (5 cm+) benign lump (fibroadenoma) removed. I took a full week off, went for a run, and the next day it started bleeding in that area again. I went to the hospital and was told I had a hematoma (blood clot), and it just needed to drain. Gross! In order for it to heal quicker and prevent infection, I took another 2 weeks off of running. This put me very behind in my training. I had to even skip a half marathon I had signed up for months prior. This was all a little discouraging, but hey, life happens...  and when you get thrown lemons... you grab some vodka and throw a party!

Unfortunately, it didn't stop there. I ended up having some issues with my bladder and pain in my lower back and side (flank area). After being sent in for an ultrasound scan, I found out I have a lump in my ovary. By this point the song, "She's Lump, She's Lump...", was playing in my head...

This particular lump is called a dermoid/teratoma and is also benign. This of course, is fantastic news, but it's a real pain in the...  well... umm... flank. So what does this all mean? Well, boys and girls, I've got an exciting science class for you! The word "teratoma" is derived from the Greek word teraton - meaning "monster". They are made up of germ cells that can contain hair, teeth, eyes, sweat glands and other random body parts. (Now, seriously - if my ovary made a tooth, I would want to keep that sh** and put it under my pillow for the tooth fairy!)

When my doctor told me what it was, I started feeling a little nauseous. All that was running through my mind was that scene from Aliens... and then that scene from Spaceballs...

Nasty! So needless to say, running over longer distances can be a little sore and challenging some days.

Here I am the morning of the race. 
A little sleep deprived but ready!

During the Marathon, I started off well. I kept up with the 4:15 pace bunny until around the 18km point and then I started to feel the soreness kicking in so I slowed it right down from a 6:00 km pace to a 6:30. I figured I could still come in around 4:30. Then I hit around the 30km mark and my back started to ache so bad. I went scrambling for the Advil I packed.

"Where is my Advil?! Did it fall out of my belt?! Oh my God it did! It fell out?! Noooo!!!" At that point, I looked up and saw the 4:30 pace bunny. I joined them for a whole whopping 2 kilometers. I think they were behind because they were running a 6:00 pace and I just couldn't keep up. I slowed down to a 7:00 pace, then a 7:15... then a very awkward 7:30. My back just couldn't take it any more when I hit the 36km mark. I started to walk. I took out my phone in the pouring rain and started texting a few people and updated my Facebook status. I pretty much gave up. I also had to pee so bad but I didn't want to go in the port-o-potty. I was cold. Soaking wet. ...and my spirit was starting to dip.

I'm at the 39km mark and a nice fellow was cheering me on while saying, "Keep going! You're..." and I cut him off. "Ya, ya... I know. I'm almost there. The finish line is around the corner." He laughs and said, "I guess you've already heard all of that." I laughed and said "Yup, but it's all good!" There were quite a few spectators and "cheerleaders" along the final stretch and they really got my spirits back and smiling again.

One thing that has been a fear of mine is to walk through the finish line. I just can't do it. lol. So once I could see it, I started to run again. Sort of. Actually, it was more like some weird, violent shuffle. If you don't believe me, I have my finisher movie below. It's totally embarrassing. ...but I made it and you can't miss that HUGE smile I have on! lol. Surprisingly, I only came in 3 minutes slower than last year despite the fact I walked over 5km's at the end. My time was 4:41:13.

My finish line movie! 

During the race, the volunteers were absolutely awesome! The other runners were very supportive and friendly and the spectators definitely knew how to cheer! I would recommend this race to anyone. All in all it was a good experience and I'm so glad I participated. Although, I was pretty choked to get back to the hotel room and realize I placed my Advil in a different pocket on my hydration belt! Duh!

This year I also chose to fundraise, too. The money all goes to building clean water projects for villages in Ethiopia. As a runner who knows the importance of hydration, I think this was a very worthwhile cause to raise money for! I'm very happy and proud to have raised over $800. I didn't quite make my goal - but I'm very thankful to those who donated as well as showed their support.

The last few days I've been focusing on recovering from the race. I've been swimming almost every day and walking lots. Both are low impact. I've also been really watching my nutrition. Tomorrow I get to finally see the gynecologist so I'll know more on how to deal with this thing living in my ovary. *shivers* I will also know if surgery will be in my future. This, of course, will be the deciding factor on how hard I can train in the near future. I'm hoping it can just be monitored and controlled through medication for now. There's some races I have my eye on. ;-)

Thanks so much for reading! 

...Keep on shufflin'...