Robin Williams was a genius on stage - his comedy was impeccable. He even inspired me to try stand-up. I would go through one YouTube video after another watching every show of his I could find so I could learn how to be funny and make people laugh.
He has spent his whole life making others smile and feel good...
Over the past 24 hours, I've been seeing countless news feeds explode about his passing. This is to be expected as he had a long, amazing career and was loved and followed by so many. He was extremely talented. It's truly heart wrenching to consider how much pain he was in to feel that taking his life was his only option. As a result, I've seen hundreds open up about their own depression or a loved ones. It's wonderful to see the stigma of mental illness start to fade and how many people are beginning to understand it.
On the flipside, I'm disturbed to still see how frequent certain words popped up - such as "selfish" and "coward". This made me realize how many people still don't understand mental illness/depression. To have such a lack of empathy for another human being who had been suffering for so long is otherwise unimaginable. To someone who doesn't know any better, I could understand how suicide may appear as an act of selfishness. It would seem that they took their life without any regard for those they left behind. Not to mention, the anguish and pain they have inflicted on their loved ones. It may look like they decided to be a coward instead of coping with their illness. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. In the mind of someone who is trying to deal with their depression, ideas become distorted over time and their reality begins to disintegrate.
On the flipside, I'm disturbed to still see how frequent certain words popped up - such as "selfish" and "coward". This made me realize how many people still don't understand mental illness/depression. To have such a lack of empathy for another human being who had been suffering for so long is otherwise unimaginable. To someone who doesn't know any better, I could understand how suicide may appear as an act of selfishness. It would seem that they took their life without any regard for those they left behind. Not to mention, the anguish and pain they have inflicted on their loved ones. It may look like they decided to be a coward instead of coping with their illness. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. In the mind of someone who is trying to deal with their depression, ideas become distorted over time and their reality begins to disintegrate.
I've been there. I've been suicidal. I tried to have some sort of foresight of what my loved ones were going to feel after I was gone. Honestly, I felt that they would be relieved I was at peace and everyone could finally move on without me bringing them more frustration, heartbreak and worry.
Putting into words and describing the incredible amount of hopelessness one has when facing the choice of suicide is impossible. For me, I was so exhausted from the days, weeks, months and eventually years of trying to get better. One day you wake up and the pain just covers you like the most brutally, crippling blanket. It feels like pure Hell to just take another breath. It becomes an all-consuming nightmare. As a result, I ended up trying to take my own life on more than one occasion.
The feeling of waking up and realizing I wasn't dead was horrifying, painful and extremely humiliating. I was hooked up to heart monitors and IV's because I had vomited so much. I was forced to drink charcoal to keep the crap load of drugs I took from entering my blood stream. I've practically fallen off the hospital cot from the shaking. I've had upwards of 20 stitches up my arms and wrists from cutting them. I've been committed to the psych ward for months.
I tried to commit suicide because the pain hurt so much that I felt living another day would not only be torture for myself but for my family to watch me endure. Deep down, I didn't want to die - I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted everything to stop hurting. I wanted the aliens to leave me alone. I wanted to go to sleep without feeling my soul was going to leave my body and be captured by Satan. I wanted a day without having to do 40 different ridiculous rituals. I wanted my hair to stop falling out from the medications along with 50 other side effects. I wanted to see a light at the end of that tunnel that everyone was telling me about. I waited. ...and waited. ...and waited. ...gradually, over time, with hard work, I came to see it.
The feeling of waking up and realizing I wasn't dead was horrifying, painful and extremely humiliating. I was hooked up to heart monitors and IV's because I had vomited so much. I was forced to drink charcoal to keep the crap load of drugs I took from entering my blood stream. I've practically fallen off the hospital cot from the shaking. I've had upwards of 20 stitches up my arms and wrists from cutting them. I've been committed to the psych ward for months.
I tried to commit suicide because the pain hurt so much that I felt living another day would not only be torture for myself but for my family to watch me endure. Deep down, I didn't want to die - I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted everything to stop hurting. I wanted the aliens to leave me alone. I wanted to go to sleep without feeling my soul was going to leave my body and be captured by Satan. I wanted a day without having to do 40 different ridiculous rituals. I wanted my hair to stop falling out from the medications along with 50 other side effects. I wanted to see a light at the end of that tunnel that everyone was telling me about. I waited. ...and waited. ...and waited. ...gradually, over time, with hard work, I came to see it.
While some days can still be challenging, I've at least broken out of the prison I was once in. I feel so much better and happier and I did it with a lot of professional help and family support. My recovery has been a very long road that extends over 20 years. Keep this in mind the next time someone confides in you that they are dealing with depression and you wished they'd just "snap out of it". Recovery doesn't happen overnight, but a suicide can. Depression is a very real, debilitating disease that takes lives. Suicide is not a cowardly action; it's when someone has succumbed to their illness due to wrong treatment and/or lack of support.
Sometimes, just having an open mind, lending an ear and being a good listener can go a long way, too.
Sometimes, just having an open mind, lending an ear and being a good listener can go a long way, too.
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing your journey and thoughts Sasha! Many people don't understand the depths of despair and suffering that depression causes. I admire your strength!
It took real courage to write this post. Part of me felt like I was reading an article I wrote. Thank you so much, and I'm glad you've been able to escape that dark place.
Thank-you for reading and your response. Hopefully, over time, more people are educated about depression and the stigma becomes less and less so more people feel less scared to get help. :)
Thank-you for reading and your comment. I was actually hesitant to post something this personal so I really appreciate your support. :)
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